Alright, good evening everybody! How are we all doing tonight? Yeah? Yeah? nobody's gonna say 'bad'? Ok, fair enough.
You know, I was walking down the street the other day, and I saw this sign outside a shop that said, "Wet Paint." I thought, "Well, that's weird. Isn't paint supposed to be wet? When's the last time you saw a bucket of dry paint? That's like saying 'Wet Water' or 'Hot Coffee' – oh, wait, they do say that last one. Never mind.
And what's the deal with self-checkout machines? They always tell you, "Unexpected item in bagging area." Really? It's a bag of chips, not a flamingo doing the tango! And why is it always an "unexpected" item? You know what would be an unexpected item? If I scanned a live bear through there. "Oh, hey, just picking up a loaf of bread, some milk, and THIS GUY!"
You ever notice how people get real testy about their favorite coffee places? "Oh, you go to Starbucks? You monster! You know they burn their beans, right?" Yeah, well, you drink tea, so you're basically a serial killer. And why is decaf even a thing? People who drink decaf are like vegetarians at a steakhouse – sure, you can have a seat, but why are you even here?
And speaking of coffee shops, what's with the sizes? Small, medium, large – that's simple, right? But no, we've got "tall," "grande," "venti"... I stand in line, and I'm like, "Uh, yeah, can I get a... medium-ish? Just whatever comes between 'not enough' and 'that's too much, are you crazy?'"
You know who I feel bad for? Meteorologists. They're the only people who can be wrong 90% of the time and still keep their jobs. "There's a 50% chance of rain tomorrow." Yeah, and there's a 50% chance I'm gonna wear pants tomorrow, but you don't see me on the news talking about it!
Alright, that's my time. You've been a great audience! Remember to tip your waitresses, try the veal, and... nah, I can't even say that with a straight face. Goodnight, everybody!
