Stand-up Routine: "Adulting is a Scam"
(Lights up. Comedian walks out with a coffee cup, takes a sip, immediately looks disappointed.)
You ever notice how nobody warns you that being an adult is just childhood with bills and worse snacks?
When I was a kid, I thought turning 18 meant I’d finally get respect, freedom, and the ability to eat ice cream for dinner every night. Turns out 18 just means the government looks at you and goes, “Cool, now pay for your own mistakes.”
My mom used to say, “One day you’ll understand.” Understand what? That I’d spend $47 on groceries and still eat cereal for three meals because cooking feels like a full-time job with no benefits? I bought kale once. One time. It’s still in my fridge judging me. That kale has been in there longer than some of my relationships.
And can we talk about how we all lied to ourselves about “figuring it out”? I’m 34. I still don’t know what I’m doing. I just got better at pretending. I have a 401k and a Spotify playlist called “Music to Cry in Traffic To.” That’s not growth, that’s just adding layers to the chaos.
The worst part? Dating as an adult. When you’re young, you break up because “he didn’t like my favorite band.” Now you break up because their credit score is a 520 and they think “emotional availability” is something you order on DoorDash. I went on a date last week where the guy spent forty minutes explaining his fantasy football league like it was the Federal Reserve. Bro, I barely understand my own taxes. I cannot emotionally invest in your make-believe football team.
And don’t get me started on homeownership. Everyone told me it was the responsible thing to do. So I bought a house. Now I’m responsible for a roof, a yard, and something called a “water heater” that sounds like a demon when it turns on at 2 a.m. I called a plumber last month and he looked at me like I was crazy when I said, “Can you just fix it without explaining what a ‘flapper valve’ is? I have three degrees and none of them prepared me for this.”
Honestly, I think the whole thing is a pyramid scheme. They tell you to go to school, get a job, buy a house, have kids… so you’re too exhausted to realize the whole system is held together by caffeine and people who say “it is what it is” unironically.
(pause, deadpan)
My therapist told me to “find my inner child.” I told her my inner child is currently hiding under the bed because the outer adult forgot to pay the electric bill again.
But hey… at least I’m not eating the kale.
(takes a final sip of coffee, makes a face)
This is cold. Just like my dreams.
Thank you, goodnight!
